2001-05-19 - 6:36 p.m.

Corporate Whore

With any term, this could be used to describe a great many things, but in my case I feel as though I'm selling out my principles. What makes this so difficult is that I freely admit there is no clear cut black and white line determining what a "professional appearance" entails.

This all started on Tuesday when I attended a multi-discplinary multi-agency research meeting and was asked on very short notice to give a presentation about the computer modeling efforts myself and others have done for this group.

I already have two priority projects with deadlines fast approaching. And work as been stressful with problems from several co-workers. One of them was how I'm a bit angry with Steelhead. He and others are supposed to write research papers for a report I edit that is required each year by law. But instead of working on the paper, Steelhead reads what looks like some sort of newsgroup most of the day.

Now maybe he is thinking about his paper or waiting for some more information. Even if he needs to read a recreational newsgroup in order to relax enough to write that research paper, I am OK with that. But he snapped at me first thing on Tuesday morning when a Federal Government engineer had emailed him with a question.

The question was stupid, and the answer was in the question. And the engineer in question really is annoying. But Steelhead accused me of directing the question to him. I didn't appreciate his tone so I told him, "I didn't, but maybe I should have."

Naturally that set him off. He went on this rant about how answering questions isn't part of his job. But I disagree.

The work I do in reality pays the salaries for many of the people in our group. I need management support and software developers like Redwood to do my part of the job, but Steelhead was being a royal ass about how he only has to run his little river model. In fact, any time there is a problem with something that isn't a part of his model he blames everybody else for screwing up. He is just too hostile, and I don't react well to that kind of attitude.

Blue Hair

So after turning in one presentation on Tuesday for my boss's boss to present, going to a meeting to get another one assigned to me, dealing with a few other priority and emergency work related issues, Steelhead's attitude only made me confirm to myself that I am unhappy at work.

Matters go far worse on Wednesday. Stompy called me into her office and said that for me to do the next presentation that I would have to change my hair colour. The problem is (and I've explained this before) that when you have thin hair, in order to change from a dark colour, you have to strip the colour out by bleaching. And that bleaching hair damages it. Extremely damaged hair will simply break or "fall out". And my hair is not that healthy right now.

I happen to like blue hair, and was extremely unhappy by their decision to not allow me to present my research.

Stompy arranged for a meeting with her, me, our local HR person, and the department's overall HR person. Basically a middle aged white guy sat there and told me that not only is blue hair unprofessional for an engineer, but that the state had the right to tell me to shave my head to have a professional appearance and that I had broken my contract with the state for not having a professional appearance.

He went on to explain how he was proud to call him a part of my department based on the appearance of our engineers when they go out in the public.

It hurt. In fact, I was very shaken and if I could have just run off, I would have cried. Why?

People Ashamed of Me

It hurts to know that while people are more than happy to work you to the bone and push you too far, that they don't respect you enough to let you work stand for itself. In a very real sense this head HR guy made me feel as though I'm an embarassment to him and the State itself. How could that be?

But this hits on a larger problem of mine. In my last relationship I felt then that my girlfriend was ashamed of me in public. It hurt, because I am friendly and kind to people, and yet it seemed to me that she was hesitant to spend time with me where we'd be seen.

Now this is how I felt then, but looking at things now I don't think this is true. Certainly not now, and under most situations this wasn't true then.

The reason I felt this way is like most people I do have a low self esteem. It only makes it that much harder on me when I have a liberal appearance (blue hair) and travel to more conservative parts of the US (like my recent trip to IN).

But it really bothered me that I was told that I can't represent myself as a State employee if I don't look "professional". It is important to keep in mind that the state gave me a defition of "professional" which says that I have to appeal to the "conservative" elements of society. No mention is made of appealing to "liberal" elements.

Stereotypes

I dislike stereotypes, but understand that people make assumptions and judge people all the time. But I don't see a public agency responsible for the closed mindedness of the public. The state can't claim to promote cultural, ethic, gender based, sexual preference, and religious equality while also stating that it must appeal to the most closed minded of the public.

In fact, I believe that a public agency has a moral obligation to push for social progress and to generate a better sense of community no matter what it's principle job is. For example, even though my department is responsible for moving water and protection state wide water resources and all the creatures that are a part of the state aqautic system, unlike the private sector, the public sector must listen to and be there for everybody.

the Chicken and the Egg

It is true that the number of engneering students with non natural hair colours is low, and that many students who are close to graduation change to a more conservative appearance. But at some point you have to wonder if the workplace was more tolerant, wouldn't more students be inclinded to have blue or purple hair?

I don't like the fact that my work is going to be judged in part based on the level to which I change my appearance and lifestyle to match that which others want. I really do owe it to myself to live my own life.

Clearly I don't respect the state's position that I have to shave my head or dye it some natural colour, but I also can't find a new job immediately. It is sad, but this week I decided I need to start slowly looking for jobs in the Bay Area. The state made its position clear, and while part of me would like to stay long term so that some day when I'm in middle or upper management, I can make policy decisions for the engineers under me that would tolerate blue hair.

Stompy has been good about letting me have blue hair. And later last week she was very afraid I was going to quit over this issue. Instead, I'm going to file a grievence (formal protest) with the state. I'm going to take my protest to any lawyers I can find and ask for input to a better way of stating my point.

It is stupid and surprising, but the State really ticked me off by drawing the professional appearance line at blue hair, while tolerating some pretty bad appearances that other engineers have (I'm talking about wearing sandals or t-shirts to presentations ... it is rare, but a public agency can't start saying who is dressed nicely and who is dressed poorly).

I also don't appreciate how people don't accept the fact that while many goths are young and it is a passing phase, that there are people young and old who not only appreciate males with strange coloured hair, but they find these people easier to talk to.

The state had a chance to use me not only as an environmental engineer, but to be a symbol and example how what matters in a person is not their hair colour, eye colour, or skin colour. Instead that people should be judged on how they treat others and what they do.

When I give presentations, I am extremely polite. I even make a point to follow up questions after a presentation. Bottom line, I believe when it comes to engineers, that I'm actually very good at giving presentations, working with people, and building "communities". But the state is more interested in me looking like I'm private sector, but pays so much less.

So over the next month I'll go ahead and renew my apartment lease, but I'll also go out and start to build contacts in the Bay Area.

If I am going to be required to look like a Corporate Whore, I'd rather get paid as one. For the immediate presentation, I actually did back down from my position (which is something I'm not very happy about) and agreed to dye my hair black.

Black is a Natural Colour

OK, my skin is ghost white, so we aren't going to fool anybody with this. But the state is going to have a hell of a harder time telling me that few fair skinned people have black hair.

I also agreed to go black, because I walked in on Stompy while she was looking of wig shops. She really wants me to stay with the State and I think she would pay out of her own pocket for me to have a wig in the office.

I think it is stupid for professionals to feel like they have to wear a tie for meetings while they hate them. I'm talking about the guys whom come to work and then take their ties off once they are safe in their offices. Stompy was suggesting I do the same, but with a wig.

The idea was silly, but after talking with Redwood on Thursday night, it is a long term solution to some of the problems (like conservative middle aged HR men who want the world to look like and act them). Stompy's wig idea is something I'll think about, but my largest complaint is that it seems like I'm backing down.

How can my principles stand up if I relax them when it is easy?

Who would have thought that something like hair colour would be the source of such a great test of morales and principles?

-=-

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