2001-04-14 - 3:57 a.m.

cEvin Key

So tonight I managed to file my taxes via the phone. Both my Federal and State forms. The process took forever, but was simple. I'll be getting some money back from the Feds and I owe the state $14. Since I finished early, I had to make a choice: go to club Sanctuary in Sacto or Assimilate.

cEvin Key from Skinny Puppy was DJing at Assimilate and Musicia would be there. Though there is a cute goth chick who may have been at Sanctuary, and based on not positive signals it is time for me to basically spend time at clubs more where there are cute chicks. Maybe one of them will pay attention to me. Or rather return my attentions.

It sucks to be interested in somebody, but not see that interest returned.

cEvin Key ... FUCK he rocks. Actually he was DJing with Philth from Download. The two of them make an incredible team.

I got to SF no problem. But when I got in the club it appeared like it was invaded by a bunch of geeky computer tech people in Halloween costumes. It kinda creeped me out.

I found Musica and talked with her a wee bit. But tonight she was acting very strange.

It hurts a bit that she hasn't been returning my emails. And today she was totally hot for this 22 year old kid (and he looked about 16 years old, nice, but he made me of all people look old) at the same time that she was excited that this other guy she has been dating comes back tomorrow.

It just hurts that she was happy to let me work her table (where Mixer and I sold well over $400 worth of CDs ... yeah we hit one of her all time marks, what can I say, people like to buy CDs from me and ask me music questions -- about 1/2 of which I defer to Mixer or Dimples when he is around). Musica talks about looking for men, but shows no interest in me.

It just hurts. Added to the fact that my relationship with Spring ended a few weeks back and Grover stopped talking to me before leaving for Europe, yeah, I feel pretty boring right now.

Just Friends

I'm back at that stage. I'm OK to come and drive people around or clean their bedrooms or sell hundreds of dollars of shit. And I'm even interesting enough to talk to. But take home for just plain old fashioned sex? It has been over a month since intercourse. Folks who get it all the time just don't understand.

Hell, some people I know (whom others here think don't get it) ... well, I watched as some women we know offered to take them home.

I guess I'm just depressed that every woman I know has put me in the just friends category again. And I really believe I am a great guy.

With Spring I tried so fucking hard to get myself comfortable not just with our Poly relationship, but with the idea of taking pleasure out of watching her make out (and eventually having sex) with somebody with me having nobody. That part is OK.

I truely believe a healthy, strong relationship means you can be comfortable and take pleasure in the fact that your lover is happy.

I've tried several times to explain to her how hurt I am that she didn't recognize that in the just 2 months that we were boyfriend/girlfriend that I was working hard to please her. This is why I felt unappreciated.

And now that she broke up but wants to stay friends (something I want too), I feel she believes ... no I am convinced that she wants just that type of relationship. One were I can't complain and should be comfortable watching her make out with other guys in front of me.

The problem with this is that it seems to me like I'm being asked to do the very thing I was working at, but she took away something that held a lot of meaning to me. We broke up to save our relationship, but I still don't understand that. I'm being asked to do the same things, only now I'm made to feel wrong if this upsets me.

This just isn't good or fair. I loose a relationship and the right to feel certain ways.

I don't know how she expects me to work at this right now, because I'm still hurt by this.

I wouldn't have even totally thought this out if she didn't talk me through this last night on the phone.

:(

Well, I got to my folks and guess what? All the bedrooms were occupied. Great, I get to sleep on the floor with the cats (which I'm allergic to). I have half a mind to just screw everybody and drive back up to Davis. Screw going to Shrine.

I want to go, but really will I be noticed there? Oh, people will ask me to sell CDs, Spring will talk to me, but that is about it. If there wasn't a group I wanted to see, I'd be on I-80 on my way home now.

I write all this, and I don't want to make it sound like I hate Spring or think poorly of her. I don't! I had a wonderful weekend with her, and I know for a fact that we both still love each other. She is wonderful and tries hard.

But she also confuses me and I think she is asking me to do things I was already working on, and I feel like she didn't give me credit for it. I've told her this, and she didn't know what to say. To me this means she disagrees with me, and that is OK.

But I can't help but feel punished for doing something and now I'm being asked to do it more. Slap my wrist for something then ask me to do the thing that got my wrist slapped?

I'm still sorting out exactly how our relationship as friends will be. Part of me wants to show her that she too is going to have to make some sacrafices, or in other words experience some loss too. Right now I feel like I'm the only one sad, hurt, and feeling like something is lost. I don't want to hurt her, but I just can't shake this feeling that she wants only the good parts, and not the bad. We all want that, but I do deserve to have somebody who accepts me for who I am including those parts.

And maybe she doesn't accept me. Right now she is about the only person really interested in me (other than for doing work).

I guess I'm just sad, as half my family lost their jobs this week, I still feel overworked, and I feel like I've been working harder in relationships than other people, yet held to higher standards and punished. Things just don't seem fair.

Life is unfair

I know this, and I don't want people to worry about me. But I have to put my feelings down. It is how I'll explore them.

Positive Side / Physical

Last weekend Spring and I did play around. No sex, but playing. It was great.

While she was giving me head and while I ejactulated on her, I realized something important (the KEY). The more you have sex or play around, the more secure you get. I don't worry about her playing with other people. And I know she wants me to play with other people.

She just can't understand how hard it is for me to tell Musica or others that I'm actually interested in them. I don't come off as shy, but watching Wingtip and Redwood at work I can assure you where they have a lack of words while being shy around people, I not only have an urge to run, but I do.

Why the hell do you think I dance so much. Dancing is fun, but really it is an excuse to not talk to people. To run and hide. So says the mouse in me.

People think I can just talk to women. It took me months to talk to Spring or Cricket or Sparky. It is just so hard and emotionally stressing.

I'm sure with time and one day I will have a girlfriend whom I can be naked and having sex with somebody else, while she is naked and having sex with yet another person in the same room and find the experience to be wonderful! I want to go to wild sex parties. I want more play partners.

But I also want to have a deeper emotional relationship with the women I love.

Fuck buddies are fine. Sparky certainly is somebody I would be happy to just have this kind of relationship with. And the girl in Sacto is another. I'd even fuck one of my doms. And then there are people whom you have more interests than just physical with. These can be hobbies or ways of thinking. Not that I'm thinking about sex, but Cricket is somebody who happy or sad I want to be with. A friend. Grover I think might be here too (time will tell, but I am totally comfortable around Grover). Actually, yes she is an affection friend, we do sleep naked together (but no sex, no playing around).

Then there are others ... the deepest of relationships.

I don't like it when people tell me I have a problem with fuck buddies. I don't. I think it is a wonderful thing to feel that free. If I didn't have intimacy issues I would have several. And being shy hurts too! But in time, oh yeah, I'll get there.

-=-

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