2001-03-30 - 7:57 a.m.

How Soon Is Now?

Yesterday I got an email from Cloud (Bronco's husband and the guy who taught me how to be a modeler) asking me out to a business dinner. His proposal: help him and my old faculty advisor out on developing a real-time flood operations forecasting system for the entire country of Turkey.

Sounds like a big deal. It is.

Actually the project is being funded by the World Bank and currently only three proposals are being looked at. Cloud's group made it past the first hurdle and now needs to prepare by Wednesday a more detailed work plan and proposal how their group will create the system and get it operational by Jul. 1, 2002!

Yeah, if that sounds like "How Soon Is Now" then you have an idea how long it takes to work to build national forecasting systems.

Cloud basically wants me to work 1/4 - 1/2 time (in addition to my normal job) to do the Hydraulic modeling. His group basically is short people, and being a modeler he came to his wife (also an environmental modeler) and me.

The program I'd use is called "HMS". Basically it is a GUI (Graphic User Interface) for the old HEC-1 that I learned back in my undergraduate years. While he was covering the model last night, I surprised myself with how much of HEC-1 I remember.

Cloud's group will submit the proposal, but in light of recent events I decided maybe I would ignore Mixer's advice and run, or as he put it, "Hide out in Davis". By accepting Cloud's offer, come Jul. 1, 2001 I might be working 60-70+ hour work weeks. :/

I'll start coming to my first job around 7 AM, taking shorter lunches, and then leaving around 4 PM, to go to my second job where I'll work from 5 PM to around 10 PM. And then I may work weekends too.

It might not be that bad, as the proposal is to hire me and Bronco as one person and we'll decide between us who works when. Our pay will just be split by time served.

This is assuming Cloud's proposal gets accepted by the World Bank.

What is in it for me?

Money, I need it. I could pay my car off. Trip to Turkey. Apparently we'd all go to Turkey at least once! Publications. I need more professional publications and opportunities to present myself as a forecasting pioneer. I helped develop the current California real-time Salinity forecasting system. Being involved in a second project on a national scale, I think my name will be out there more.

The irony is when I started graduate school it was with the intent to become a professor and teach. This really is what I wanted to do. And my area of experitise wasn't operational forecasting, but drought physics and management. I wouldn't consider myself an expert on droughts, but I did considerable research with them ... modeling them. I'm published a few places already.

The costs

...fewer weekends, and I'll finally be exhausted. Fewer trips to the Bay Area, except to my folks for many some pampering (which I'll need after such long work weeks).

...giving up a large part of my life. Well, actually I feel like part of my life just bailed on me. It wasn't a large part, despite what somebody else might say. But it honestly was the most meaningful and important part of my life.

I know this doesn't sound like a positive spin. It isn't entirely, but things just seemed to slide backwards a bit.

Emotionally I feel less secure today than I did a week ago. TMI Land: the progress I made masturbating is gone. :( I tried, but my frustration is right back at square one. I'm a bit resentful of this. Oh, there are some things I feel better about, as I was held to higher standards than other people, but they didn't get the flack I did. They weren't put through the same emotional trials I was. And when judgement was passed, it was passed on me, not them. I suspect I'll learn to be more assertive ... but ...

Nightmares: Theft

Based on my dreams last night, I know I have a long upward battle. I didn't sleep well last night, but that could be in large part because it is warm outside (oh I hate living in Davis, and so want to move to Oakland).

The dream I woke up to had me walking with Steelhead in some abandonded streets in West Oakland (minus the majority of the local buildings). Think slums. Think about seeing at least one car on fire a night.

For some reason I turned to walk down an alley (which honestly looked more like Hayward than Oakland) and I saw tons of purses and electronic equipment lying on the ground. Hot new stuff, all free to grab. Instead of taking stuff, I was curious and kept walking by myself down the alley. It finally ended in a combo chain-link/wooden fence.

When I turned around two people, a man and a woman, both larger than me were standing behind me. The man laughed and said that I went too far and was going to have to pay. He grabbed me and then reached for my Sony discman. Granted I bought it in 1994, so it is old and a piece of trash. Yet he wanted it. I pleaded with him and said that I didn't take any of the other equipment. He said it was all a lure, designed to have me walk down the alley and belonged to him already. So I asked him why he wasn't using it. That pissed him off and he told me to shut up and accept the fact that I'm an asshole, selfish, annoying, and hurtful. He said I pushed him too far and started to squeeze my arms and scream at me.

I pointed out that my CD player was ancient. And that the Church CD inside was something he wouldn't like (although I knew it was hard to find).

He pushed me down, and I started screaming for Steelhead to save me. He laughed and said that now I had to pay more! I knew he was going to take my wallet and beat the shit out of me.

But suddenly he laughed and said I just needed to learn to be less pushy. He picked me up and told me to get the hell out of here along with my crap music and piece of shit CD player. I ran along, only to see my parked Mustang being broken into. I hit the car alarm, then 8 people (frat daddies) all jumped in and ran away.

The irony is the street people seemed to care about me more than the frat daddies. It was then that I remembered my car can't start without its own key (it is electronically coded) and woke up at 6 AM.

So What Does This Mean?

I need to assert myself. But when I did it only hurt me and those I loved. I keep blaming myself for my problems, but sometimes other people are responsible too. I also was so confused that the people trying to hurt me were actually trying to help me and the people I didn't expect to care were the ones really hurting me. I think there is something significant there.

Clubs

Assimilate 2001 and Bound are both tonight, but when I tried to buy an online ticket the sales were over already. That sucked, well, it also settled my plans for tonight.

-=-

<< previous - next >>