2001-03-29 - 9:38 a.m.

Lessons in Assertiveness

Lesson 3: Homeless Guy stealing from Blind Man

I like to start off each day with a glass (or bottle) of chocolate milk. I know chocolate is bad for my breathing problems and the caffine is stressful to my body, but I need it. I want it.

This morning I went downstairs to the convience store located inside my office building. The guy who runs the store is blind ... very blind. He does have two employees who stock things for him and do the work that requires eyes. But they both are very lazy. Some mornings there will be a line of people waiting to buy stuff. The blind guy will be working one of the cash registers, while the guy with eyes is just sitting there and stares at everybody. Maybe it isn't his job to work a cash register, but every now and then he'll work the register if somebody is bold enough to walk up to him instead of waiting in line. I think he is just lazy. I hate lazy people who just sit at home, don't want to work, and make others shuttle them around.

This morning a smelly homeless guy was in line ahead of me. I'm guessing he was homeless, based on his appearance, speach, and B.O. (he stank). This is a guess ... but I think I was right.

I watching the blind man argue with the stinky man. I didn't listen, because ... well, I've witnessed more than my fair share of arguements this month and I'm just plain tired and exhausted (and feeling a bit beaten upon). Eventually the stinky man walked out. I walked up and the blind man grabbed my drink (which is normal), but then said, "Hey were is the can?" I had a bottle, not a can. I said, "This is a chocolate milk bottle." "No, where is that guy! He took my can!" How was I supposed to know that he just stole the can! The blind guy yelled for his lazy employee to case after the homeless guy (see, this is why I now believe he is homeless, because he actually stole a can of coke-cola). The lazy employee just looked at the blind guy and didn't say anything. The blind guy again said, "Please go bring back my can. Do it now!" He was obviously frustrated that he couldn't do it himself.

I was ready to run after the homeless man myself or pay for his can. I didn't want to pay for it, because if he got away with stealing (even if he needed it), he would continue to do it. And I didn't want to run after the homeless man, because the lazy guy was right there. Saw the entire damned thing, and did nothing.

It just makes me so mad that homeless people will steal from easy targets like blind men, who unfortunately hire the wrong type of people to help them.

What should I have done? Should I have chased the homeless man thus doing the lazy man's job? That would only encourage more sloth. Should I have bought the drink? That would only encourage more theft.

Redwood was right behind me and had no idea of what was happening. Obviously I was excited, because I tried to explain to him when we got out what had happened. But he kept misunderstanding me.

I know I am hard to understand and can be unclear, but it bothers me so much that people whom I spend lots of time with, like Redwood or (as of last week) Spring, just look at me like I don't speak English. Many times they are right there by my side when things happen. But it always seems I'm the only one who sees the little details, be it somebody stealing something or subtle body langauge coming from people standing with us.

I really think the blind man just needs better help. The guy who works for him moves drinks around, by stocking the refrigs, but that is _all_ I usually see him doing. If I was working there, I'd have chased the homeless man. If he needed a drink, there is water here. And Sacramento does have food shelters, and although part of my pay check goes to pay for one (I also donate money to a Suicide Prevention group near my home ... suicide really bugs me), I don't know how good or effective "Loaves and Fishes" really is. I should go on a tour.

Lesson 2: Skany Hitchhiker

On our way to the Assemblage 23 concert on Tuesday, I stopped off at a gas station. There a skany grunge girl walked up to Redwood and asked for a ride to San Francisco. He didn't want to speak for me, so he told her to ask me. I felt he handled the situation well.

So the skany girl asked me if I was going to San Francisco. Yes, I know she wanted a ride, she had a huge backpack and a very large duffle bag (hmmm, maybe there were dead things inside it). ;) Anyway, the way she asked it just struck me as confrontational and demanding. I don't like giving rides to people I don't know. And I don't like it when people make me feel like I'm obligated to give them a ride. So I told her I was going, but I didn't feel comfortable taking anybody. This is the 100% honest truth. I was driving to San Francisco, but I am not in a state of mind to worry about other people's problems right now ... and least when I feel like I'm being taken advantage of.

So what did she do? Flip me off, and told me she hoped that we die in a car crash.

I didn't say anything, instead I just ignored her and we left. But I'm glad I didn't give somebody like that a ride. Hell, there are people in the Bay Area who always ask me for rides (why they don't buy a car instead of drinking every time they go out I don't know), but I'd much sooner drive them around than a stranger who is going to wish Death on me if I don't change my plans to accomidate her.

Anyway, I do get this feeling that even with blue hair, BDUs, chains, and jump boots, something about me still reads "mouse".

Lesson 1: SexCat moving to Davis

A girl I know came up to me this weekend and told me that she is moving to Davis to go to Sac State. Um, Sac State is not anywhere near Davis. Davis is closer to the Bay Area and much nicer than many parts of Sacramento, so I understand her moving there. It really is a nice place to live.

But she kept talking about how when she moves in we can hang out and have sex frequently. The problem is I don't really find her sexually attractive. Oh, I like aggressive women. In fact, I honestly have lost physical interest in some women I know because I feel like they've pushed me out of their life. Fine, you aren't interested in me, I'll make other plans. I will be fine.

But SexCat just doesn't quit. Months ago she asked me to not tell my lover that we'd have sex. Excuse me? When did I say I was going to have sex with you? And where did you get the idea that it is my lover that is the problem?

I am being hard on SexCat. She is nice to me. She really is. And there are things I like about her. And being aggressive is a turn on for me. But she is a different kind of aggressive. It does hurt that we don't share many interests. When I try to talk about things that are really important to me, she seems to change the subject to how cute she is. I don't like how she is always doing this to me.

I need to just find a way to put out a let's just be friends sign up for her.

I'm also afraid that the women I pushed out of my life felt the same way about me. Felt I only wanted sex. I didn't. I would not have waited over a year for intercourse if I didn't care about them. I wouldn't drive 80 miles on a moments notice if I didn't find them interesting. And I wouldn't sit and listen and talk to them about everything possible if there were not common interests.

But recently being pushed away makes it even harder for me to hurt other people. I have been hurt and I don't understand it, and it is a feeling I wouldn't wish on anybody. Not the stinky homeless guy. Not the blind guy. Not the lazy convince store worker. Not the rude skany girl. And certainly not a friend who takes a physical interest in me (though even that should flatter me, but I've noticed some people take a physical interest in most people).

-=-

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