2001-03-12 - 02:32:39

Two in one day, something must have happened.

Actually I owe Spring a major apology. A number of our friends read my diary and she pointed out that I have been doing two things: (1) over-reacting (which is something I do and I'm not incredibly proud of), and (2) transfering frustrations from work primarily onto her and then she suggested I might be pushing that off in negative ways onto others.

Anyway, she was right about both issues. I have been very stressed about work, and I am blaming her for it. That is bad, and something I need to work on. No, it is something I'll work on.

I worry, I worry a lot. I'd blame my upbringing, but it is time for me to also take that unbringing to a larger magnifing glass and remove what isn't me and put back more of what is me.

I am working on a lot of personal issues, and I really felt bad when Spring said she feels like for some of these things she isn't able to help more. What she doesn't know is nobody else would have gotten me to see a therapist in the first place, so she already helped me take that first big step.

It really is a shame that there aren't free councilors at work. I don't think I'm the only person in my office who needs that extra help. My first performance evaluation said I try too hard. That was from my first boss, with whom I really don't get along with.

He wanted me to be a major programmer, but as Particle pointed out, I'm not a programmer. Never was, and never will be. It isn't what interests me. He said I act and think like a scientist. Not an engineer, and not a programmer, and not really an artist, but a scientist. I analyze everything to death.

This is true at work. I try too hard.

And I'm starting to put together how this carries through from work to my relationships. I try too hard.

Yoda would probably tell me to let my life "flow through me", to let it "pentrate me", and to "unlearn what you have learned". Damnit, I really should be that Suncoast Picture's poster that says, "All I ever needed to learn I leanred from Yoda." You might laugh, but I have a tiny Yoda sitting on my desk at home. I need to look at it more often to remind me that I am reckless and careless. That there is a certain beauty and grace that comes from being at peace.

I should also buy that Yoda / Dagobah toy for my office at work.

The truth is, that if there is a character I most aspire to be, it has been Yoda. I'm so far from. In fact, I really can identify with Luke, especially from Empire Strikes Back (which I've already listed as the best movie of all time).

What surprises me is that I do still overreact to things, and that people seem to keep forgiving me. Maybe they see something of themselves in me?

I'm sorry if I hurt Spring. And I need to find more time to rediscover art. The last two times I stayed at her house she had me painting. Perhaps I could start to get some supplies and do that here in my apartment. I love her photography, but I couldn't do it myself. I love music, but I've tried that and it just frustrates me. But somehow working with visual images in pencils just seems right. I don't think I have any real talent, but it seems good.

-=-

<< previous - next >>