2005-01-12 - 2:09 p.m.

Heaven and Hell

Last night I made it to my first concert it what must have been several months. A good number of bands have been coming by, but I've felt so anti-social. I understand part of the reason is that I have plenty to do at home. But another part is that driving down and up again really does wear me out.

Before the opener, Drop Black Sky, came out, I was so wanting to dance and just release. But I was afraid. Yup. I was embarrassed and afraid to dance. MissM was spinning, and frankly her taste in music is amazing. For years she was a radio DJ, and now works at a television station ... whoops, that probably reads round, in college she was a college radio DJ, but post college (many years ago) started working for a San Francisco tv station. Anyways, I've always appreciated her interest and taste in music.

Eventually I did go out and dance. I couldn't tolerate standing there and doing nothing. Nothing, bah. That is my idea of hell. And on my drive home at 1 AM, I started thinking about what heaven is to me. For me paradise does exist, and I'll end up there. In my paradise, I am in a room with a tall vaulted ceiling, a Christmas tree with big colorful light bulbs and toys on it, a toy train runs under the tree, and I am sitting in a lounge chair with a wool blanket on my lap looking at the tree, a warm fire burns in a fireplace, and I have the book of endless pages in hand. I can read page after page. The book never ends, the train runs in circles, the fire burns, and I live in a state balanced between reading a few pages and then wandering off and getting lost in whatever story is at my fingertips.

That is heaven. What is interesting though is my idea of hell is what I call nothing, but it isn't nothing ... it sounds like being placed in an environment and not feeling as though I can relax. At least that is how it seems to me. That my enemy isn't inactivity, but rather emotional comfort.

If I didn't take the time to think about what I considered paradise, I wonder if my view of hell would have changed or not? It just goes to show that there is some truth to the saying that you can't have a heaven without hell ... but is it possible to have a hell without heaven?

-=-

n.p. collide :: some kind of strange

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