2002-07-28 - 11:48 p.m.

Drunk German Bitch, Part II

Ok, brevity good. With that in mind, in the future I'll break long entries (like Part I) into even more parts. I hate rereading long entries myself.

But some quick notes to self: after a long night of dancing after jogging in 100 F temperature at midday, take a fucking day off. Damn, it felt so good tonight while I was out, but now my legs are super sore. Eeeep, I may not be able to dance nearly as much tomorrow night at Death Guild. Here is to miracle recoveries. (Actually I feel great, and each time I run I feel stronger than before.)

So I got home after the club around 5 AM, which amazingly was before the sun had rised. It took no time at all to fall asleep, but what sucks is that all night long I had nightmares of Minmei and her DJ boyfriend. I don't usually think about them (at least not recently) and I never dreamed of her before all this happened. But it is sad that any time I see either of them, the next night they come and haunt my dreams.

It goes without say that she will never understand how much she hurt me (emotionally speaking). In a very real way I felt she betrayed me and my trust. Not once, but time and time again.

It just is depressing that even when she isn't around, one of her boys can be, and they'll still have that power over me. I'll of course never tell them this (and would appreciate it if her friends that might read this don't either). And I'll never have closure.

It really boils down to the fact that I seriously doubt either of them will leave San Francisco or the local goth clubbing scene. It is extremely important to them both, and it always provides me an easy excuse to do something else. The only ray of hope I carry on is that I understand that other people have similar problems seeing ex's whom left them for somebody else. I'm just so guarded now about loving people too! I just have no desire to allow another woman to ever get that close again. It is just really odd that Minmei has no idea how important she was to me, and more confounded is I would let somebody who didn't care about me hold that power over me.

-=-

<< previous - next >>