2001-09-14 - 9:05 a.m.

Why Violence?

I'm still in shock about this week's violence. I don't understand how destroying random people helps things. I probably never will, and frankly I don't want to understand what would make a person so desperate that you would willingly give your life to take another's whom has no power over you. Perhaps it is some intense form of jealously, but realistically it is probably just the ultimate in ignorance.

Smaller scale violence bothers me too. What is to be solved by hitting somebody? Why throw a plate at somebody? How can they trust you if you do that? How can somebody trust you if you say you felt like doing that? Why does that feeling exist?

When you know somebody and see some of the nice things they do, the hurtful and selfish things hurt all the more.

This is because you let people you love see you when you are weak. And over time you begin to count on them. So when they do something like making out in the back of your car without asking you if you are OK with it, it catches you off guard.

When this pattern continues, even when you were told there are "safe" zones, then you have to protect yourself by learning to simply not trust that person. Over time, you grow to expect that person to not care about you. You watch the little things they do to see if they care about you or not. And as these signs disappear you don't feel safe around them. In a very real sense, they become strangers again.

I've tried so hard in the past two weeks to understand emotional ups and downs in all of us. I have my own and watched Cricket's own emotions at work and I've noticed:

Cricket tends to be somebody who worries a lot, but when she does she doesn't lash out and hurt her friends. In fact, she comes to them for help.

When I'm so upset that I cry, I might shake, but I also allow my friends to comfort me. But I've not always been this way. I'm still not as trusting as Cricket.

Or rather, I've cried around Redwood once. But I have driven over to his house to sleep once because I was afraid. I also know deep down that if I asked him, he'd call me.

And I know that Cricket is around by phone or email for me 24-7. Both of them have SOs, but they really are my closest friends. And I'm fortunate that Cloud and Bronco are also always there for me.

Right now (it changes with how you trust people), these four people are people whom I find myself both running to and wanting to be more like.

Friendship

Could this be true friendship? When you are upset, isn't it true that if you truely trust a person, that you come to them for help? That you will call them or ask them to help you?

With that in mind, I like to think of the quality in myself that I admire most is not being "long-winded" (in fact, that label really bugs me, if the only thing unique about me is I'm long-winded, why do you bother considering me a friend, that is not a good quality, because the meaning of words is more important than their length). Instead it is how I can be caring. In times of need, I like to think that I can be counted on.

The last time I cried, I was ashamed of myself. I realized I was crying in the presence of somebody who I didn't feel comfortable. Not a total stranger, but I didn't feel safe around. Somebody who lost my trust some time ago.

Actually I was trapped. I wanted to run away, but at the same time, back then I cared enough about that person that I didn't want them to know that I didn't trust them anymore.

I stopped myself from crying for those two reasons: (1) I didn't feel really safe, and (2) I wanted to hide my true feelings.

It is true that if I can't express my own feelings, that I can't ask others to trust me. But how can you express your true feelings around somebody who never forgives you and doesn't hold to their own promises?

I'm worried about Cricket's party. I've talked to Cricket about this, and she understands my fear, so several times this week she has described who all is going and pointed out whom I can hang out with.

I'm not a very good ice skater anyways. I think I'll ask Cricket if she wouldn't mind if I didn't just come along, but didn't go out on the ice. I'm just not in the mood for people harassing me when I fall down all the time, and I'm still feeling off center.

-=-

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