2001-10-15 - 10:34 p.m.

From Hell

It would be hard to talk about my feelings for this movie (Redwood had tickets to a sneak preview tonight) without spoiling the film. I'll attempt to not give away any of the plot, but certainly I just have to talk about the atmosphere of the film.

The film itself is not a Burton film, and it doesn't view like one. Burton's films are dark, but also have an element of wonder and innocence mixed in. None of that was here. London in 1888 was not a pretty place. I seriously doubt that the world looked anything like what it does today.

While From Hell would be a film I'd classify as dark, it didn't seem pointless -or- as if it was some sort of social commentary. Perhaps it lies somewhere in between.

The oppium addiction was not pretty. In fact, it has given me second thoughts to one day experimenting with drugs. I understand that me experiment is largely a fantasy. There honestly is nobody I trust anymore whom I'd want around me while high. Redwood is an exception, but I don't want him around if I'm getting high. Everybody else I know I just don't trust. (Of course I'm neglecting Cricket, but she is on the other side of the world -- and I do need her now too.)

With the exception of "Dark Anne" and Heather Gramham's "Mary", the prostitutes were not incredibly attractive. Most people wouldn't say Anne was either, but she did actually have a harder edge than the others. And I found myself attracted to that.

While talking with Lashes, my dom, Saturday night, she pointed out that I'm still dealing with my molestation. Over a year ago I came out about my molestation (though I've not told my family yet), because I figured it would help me deal with it. But Lashes has observed that I tend get into relationships with very dominant women ... and she expressed her subtle concern that I also place myself in physical danger at times.

They say that the abused become the abusers. But I've also heard (and believe) that victims sometimes put themselves in similar situations.

Now I don't think the character of Dark Anne is abusive. But I've thought that about other people too. So I'm left wondering what is it in a dark personality that I find myself attracted to?

Recently I wrote about my fears of turning to the dark side. Specially my hatred of somebody who hurt me. And yet, while I will never trust her again, deep down I wish her no harm. Perhaps it is arrogance, but I had always hoped that I would have provided a mature and stablizing influence to my ex. In fact, when Redwood and Crimson both asked me my purpose in life, I've always responded that I honestly believe I have a destiny to be a consensus builder ... and that one day in my life, I'll be tasked to build a massive consensus and document the process involved in some environmental project.

But I also have felt that my special quality has been to bring out parts in people that normally lost among other more dominant personalities. At work this means bringing humour and creativity to a bunch of engineers. And at play I bring throughness and caution ... maybe a bit of maturity.

But this still doesn't answer why I find darker personalities interesting. In the case of From Hell, I was throughly interested in Jack the Ripper. While many of the people during and after the film were in a bit of shock by the film's graphic nature, I really didn't find the subject of serial killers any more over the top as has been treated in Fox's "Millennium" (a series I enjoyed years ago). Yes, it was graphic. In fact, I hate blood and guts.

But if you allowed them to shock you, you missed the larger message of the film. There actually was a point, and that is what I liked about it. Of course I'm not going to write today what that point was. ;)

LISTENING TO: Dead Can Dance's Into the Labyrinth

-=-

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